 Star Wars
Episode I:
The Phantom Menace
Rated: PG
CAST:
Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Jake Lloyd,
and Samuel L. Jackson
DIRECTOR:
George Lucas
SYNOPSIS:
Is there someone left on Earth who doesn't
know what this movie is about?
REVIEW:
Seems like
plenty of folks are disappointed that with the tremendous
hype surrounding Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace,
the film hasn't really lived up to their expectations.
Me, I don't mind so much that the film didn't live up to
the hype -- nothing could -- but I do mind that a film
which could have been the best of the decade turned out
to possess more flash than substance.
Episode 1 had plenty of problems, and they begin to
become painfully apparent with the early introduction of
a character called Jar Jar Binks. Sure, Jar Jar has taken
a lot of flack from critics. But I don't hate Jar Jar
because he might be a racial stereotype or any other such
nonsense. I hate Jar Jar because he gives me the most
horrible, frightening, not-at-all-fun Full House
flashbacks. I tend to disagree with the theory that if
Jar Jar were a human character he'd be a tall, uneducated
Jamaican or something. No... no. He'd be the
so-cute-you-want-to-vomit we-share-a-single-brain duo of
childish adorableness, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.
No, don't laugh, I'm absolutely serious here. Every time
Jar Jar would rattle off another inane line I'd just sit
there and wish he'd be killed violently. But then he
started saying "How wude!" The first time I'm
pretty sure I went into convulsions and blacked out, then
(after I recovered consciousness) I expected him to start
calling Qui-Gon "Daddy" and Obi-Wan "Uncle
Jesse". The second time he said it I developed a
nervous tic (don't worry, the doctors say it'll go away
on its own in about ten years). Add to that the fact that
Jar Jar generally behaved like an idiot, got everyone
into trouble far more than was necessary, and rattled off
even more annoying and cutesy phrases, and I started
wondering why the other characters let him live.
But I did have more problems with the film than just poor
picked-upon Jar Jar. I didn't see the point to the
million little scenes they gave us, for one. We'd be in
the middle of a scene somewhere, and they'd cut someplace
else to show us two characters saying a few lines that
didn't really have anything to do with anything. Then
they'd do it again. It may have been the first time that
I watched a film and was highly conscious of the scene
changes, simply because they were so clunky and awkward.
But by far the worst offense of Episode 1 was a stunning
lack of character development. For all the depth they
gave Darth Maul, he could have been just another droid.
Anakin Skywalker, though played well by Jake Lloyd, also
had his moments; those forced little "Yippee!"s
and everything to do with Queen Amidala (Natalie
Portman). Yes, we get the hint of
"foreshadowing" that you're beating us over the
head with... but in this movie Skywalker is only a kid,
and we definitely don't want to think about him shagging
with Amidala at any point in the future, so just keep
your deep "I care about you, too" stuff to
yourself, Lucas! Even Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor), my
own personal object of lust, suffered in this movie; he
spent a lot of time doing nothing. Which is not to say
that he doesn't work as an eye-candy prop, but to get the
full effect you need to hear that luscious accented voice
and see that bod in some kind of ass-whipping action! The
only character who acquired depth in this first
installment of the trilogy was Qui-Gon Jinn, extremely
well-played by film veteran Liam Neeson, and I doubt
we'll be seeing much more of that particular Jedi Master,
will we?
The only sequence that had me really invested in the film
was the wonderfully choreographed and brilliantly
executed three-way lightsaber duel. McGregor is really
given a chance to shine here when he finds himself cut
off from the fight, and again when the barrier drops. Not
to mention the action itself, which was just plain
awesome. Not even the original trilogy gave us a
lightsaber fight like that one!
DROOL FACTOR: My god! I wonder if Ewan
McGregor needs a love slave...
GROSS-OUT FACTOR: The only real gross
you'll find here is the blatant build of undeniable
future bonking between a young queen and a nine-year-old.
Ewww!
STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Amidala and her
girls are not the type to be pushed around; this film's
pretty good as far as tough chicks go.
LAST WORD:
I found the effects incredibly
impressive, and the movie itself was enjoyable in
spite of its faults, but it could have been so much
better. I have high hopes for the next installment of
the new trilogy (which promises more Obi-Wan, always
a good thing!), and I hope I won't be disappointed
again.
CREDITS:
Lisa Kohles of The 11th Hour
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